A Journey of Persistence and Resilience

After completing our flagship course, The NEXT Project (now called Psychology for Change), in 2014, Tonya decided to embark on a Level 3 qualification to work professionally in the drug and alcohol field, having discovered a skill and a passion that drew on her lived experience.

Despite dedicated voluntary work to further her skills and knowledge in order to be eligible for paid roles, pressure from the Job Centre to get back to work – any work –  began as soon as “treatment” ended leaving Tonya feeling unsupported, undervalued and defeated. She explains how a combination of determination and resilience meant neither her recovery nor her hope ended up getting derailed.

Tonya worked for Foundation for Change from 2018 to 2021, during which time she delivered our Feminism for Change course.

What did you discover about yourself, doing The NEXT Project?

I was holding on to a lot of awful stuff that wasn’t mine, most of all. I had internalised all these negative core beliefs about myself. They came from what I knew and grew up with but all that was put upon me – it wasn’t actually me.

No one in therapy or treatment had told me about core beliefs – how they work unconsciously to drive negative thinking. I’d never heard of them until we did the day on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).

That’s the power of knowledge; once I understood how these internalised beliefs fuelled constant negative thought patterns, I was able to let go of all this bitterness I had towards my family, my mum, the father of my children who was a heroin addict… It took time, obviously, but once I developed understanding of what was going on the bitterness just left me.

It’s gone now, all that heavy stuff weighing me down, and made way for a lightness.

“Once I understood how these internalised beliefs fuelled constant negative thought patterns, I was able to let go of all this bitterness.”

The course brought up so much for me. I didn’t share in group necessarily – I was uncomfortable with that. It was very powerful just listening to others doing so.

Being in group means you get to have your mind opened. I became more accepting of ideas – that if these other people could, perhaps I might be able to let go of the bitterness eating me up.

That allowed me to share and be honest in my one-to-one tuition with Liz. There was trust between us and I knew I wouldn’t be judged.

It was only after the course that I became strong. Or rather, I felt unafraid to be strong. I probably was strong all along but was scared to use my voice.

“I probably was strong all along but was scared to use my voice.”

What changes did your family and friends notice in you?

Before, I didn’t use to think very much before doing things. Now I am a lot more considered, more organised, more adult.

For my friends, I am the one that’s stable, that they come to, I think because they can see that I am OK with myself – with my own company, with my household, my family… I am grounded, happy, content with my lot and that shines out.

My kids are so proud of me. We wouldn’t have the relationship we have if I had not let go of all the stuff I was holding on to – I’d have passed it straight down on to them.

We have a very healthy family dynamic. Talking about things is normalised. We ask each other for advice.

“We wouldn’t have the relationship we have if I hadn’t let go of all the stuff I was holding on to.”

My two brothers are amazed; they are very different to me but have suffered a lot too and in some ways stayed the same.

What’s amazing is that my teenage son can go round theirs and spend time with them and bring a whole new way of being into their household – the changes I’ve been able to make have a ripple effect on those around me.

For me the most important thing for my kids was to have them grow up in one household, go to one school, have a consistent group of friends – to have roots and a sense of belonging, which is what I missed out on.

I wanted them to feel as though they know where they’ve come from, rather than have to go and look, and I think they have that.

“The changes I’ve been able to make have a ripple effect on those around me.”

I’ve noticed that I deal with things differently. I am not angry inside or bitter any more. I’ve let go of a lot of sorrow relating to my mum – to the things we never got to say or talk about before her death, the relationship we never had.

I know I’m not going to get answers to the questions I have about why she brought me up in the way that she did, which means that I can let it go. I can recognise what’s her stuff doesn’t need to be mine. She didn’t know how to ‘own’ being a mum.

My ex says I think I’m “too good” for everyone else (i.e. him), a bit above myself or something. I can rationalise him saying things like that – in many ways I am, my problem was I couldn’t see it!

He spent 15 years trying to bring me down. Now I stand taller and have got stronger and what he says or thinks about me just doesn’t affect or bother me any more.

I don’t internalise it or batter myself with it. I don’t feel anger or resentment in situations where I used to feel such bitterness. I let it glide over. I’m content with myself!

“I’m not angry inside or bitter any more.”

How did you continue your development after completing the course?

At the beginning I had no interest in working in the field. I did the course because it was recommended by my key worker. It was purely for my own recovery – I needed to look after myself.

I had had lots of therapy and was sceptical about whether a psychology course would benefit me but gave it a go anyway.

Graduating was so exciting. We got all dressed up and were awarded our certificates at the House of Lords!

Afterwards I started volunteering at my kids’ school. I did it without really thinking about what I wanted or what I was good at – I was just used to being in “mum mode”.

I didn’t particularly want to work with kids as I was with them all day! But it got me showing up every day in a professional capacity, and seeing myself as part of a workforce, which was a new and valuable experience.

“Graduating was so exciting — we were awarded our certificates at the House of Lords!”

What brought you to the decision to go for a professional qualification?

At the House of Lords event Liz had mentioned the certified practitioner training course and said I should do it. I trusted her I suppose, and was willing to go with anything she would throw at me.

Doing that course completely changed how I saw myself.

When you are training to work in the field you cover a lot of the psychological theory and material in more depth, but more importantly you have to consider it in relation to working with others, rather than how it relates to your own experience, so you have to learn to separate and own your own stuff.

“Doing that course completely changed how I saw myself.”

How did you begin gaining experience working in the health and social care field?

My placement was at the drug and alcohol charity WDP and I absolutely loved it. There was me there and one other person from the course, although we worked in different departments.

I was a Family and Carers Support Worker; I organised the parent and carers’ weekly groups and had one-to-ones with women mostly, working with families, children, that side of things… it was perfect for me.

The role was about empowering women – I wouldn’t say “help”, because people help themselves. I threw myself into it full time and knew then that my forte was guiding people to discover their hidden voice, to gain confidence.

When you have lived experience it gives you a completely open mind.

“The role was about empowering women – I wouldn’t say ‘help’, because people help themselves.”

What obstacles did you encounter or have to overcome in order to find work that was meaningful for you?

Before I finished the placement my son Ryan turned three. Immediately the Job Centre took me off Income Support and put me onto Jobseeker’s Allowance.

I had to sign on every few weeks and be looking for work, even though I was completing a placement as part of my training that would hopefully result in paid work on a career path.

Their attitude was “well that’s your choice to be volunteering in your spare time” – completely just “computer says no” kind of thing – and they insisted I apply for and take any work going. The life path I was on was irrelevant.

WDP were amazing and tried to help me find part-time work so that I would be able to continue with them but in the end I just caved in to the pressure and got a cleaning job.

I have to say it brought back all those old feelings of being defeated. I was so angry at the system again – that I’d just wasted all that time and still, it felt like “I’ve ended up here and I can’t get there”.

But I kept all my paperwork from the course. I bought myself a CBT book and always went back to my folder.

Somehow I never fell completely back down – there was something pulling me out of the situation and getting me to look at it again.

I kept in touch with Liz and one day she pulled me into her office and just said “look, you can’t just stay cleaning, Tonya!”

My friend who had gone to WDP with me after NEXT had ended up getting a full-time job with an organisation called Look Ahead, after 25 years out of work! It had taken persistence, encouragement and support but he did it and I couldn’t believe it!

I just thought, ‘F** it… I’ve got to try applying.’*

And I got the job! It was working in a hostel for people with complex needs. It was incredibly hard shift work but I shone through it.

That must have been a big leap?

It was really scary! Not only the role and responsibility, but it would involve changing my hours to full time and, as a consequence, coming off the last bit of housing benefit I received.

When you’re a single mum, supporting three kids, that’s terrifying. You can’t help but worry about the future.

In some ways it’s kind of a relief, but undoing that last buckle of the security ‘belt’ was enough to stop me in my tracks for a bit…

In the end I had to just go for it and accept “this is a change that’s going to come and I am going to be able to deal with it.”

If you were giving advice to someone trying to make a big change – start a new career, rebuild their lives – what would it be?

Go for it. You have to do something you don’t think you can do. Don’t stay comfortable but oppressed.

You will be scared – that never goes away! The only way to overcome fear is just to do it anyway.

You’ve got to, for your own peace of mind. Trust yourself, that you can be a part of something. There is no need to feel ‘less than’.

“Don’t stay comfortable but oppressed.”

Before I worked at WDP I’d never even used a computer! I felt way out of my depth! It was surreal at the beginning being sat there at a desk with a PC and a phone – not me!

You’ve got to fake it ’til you make it a bit.

When I was talking to a potential participant for the Feminism for Change course the other day she was looking at me as though I was someone with power, who’s in control, who has their stuff together – that’s how I used to look at my key worker, all suited and booted and professional.

It’s not like any of that comes naturally to me! I was with a heroin addict 20 years older than me, three kids and no self-worth. I didn’t know I was capable of anything, until my eyes were opened to it.

“I didn’t know I was capable of anything, until my eyes were opened to it.”

What makes you optimistic about the future?

Life is still scary and challenging. But not so much that I can’t walk through it.

I have to keep riding through my fears. I would like to stay within the field of guiding people.

I’m not creating plans that are too fixed or too rigid, but rather feel as though I am following a path.

“Life is still scary and challenging – but not so much that I can’t walk through it.”

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