Its been around 6 years since I completed Psychology for Change and although I now work as the comms and admin officer for the organisation, there are parts of the course that have stayed with me all these years. The shifts of knowledge and perception I experienced still have profound impact on me in my life both inside and outside my work at Foundation for Change.

I had not long been in London when I began PfC. My experience so far from a sober living house was AA meetings and encouragement to start “doing the steps”. I used to make the tea and coffee at a local AA meeting so I got to hear other people's perspectives and experiences on their addictions and recovery. Although it was nice to be around this environment it made me wonder if this is who I was now, someone who sat in community halls listening to people tell their experiences of addiction and how working through the AA steps had saved them.  

I was aware from the beginning of my PfC course that this was something radically different. During the induction, when talking about what happens if someone had a lapse, I was super surprised it wasn't an immediate ejection from the course. So far in any recovery service I’d used, lapsing meant being thrown out of the programme or house. Already the course seemed to be something that worked with nuance and the reality of recovery.

"My sense of self opened up into the world and I could see that my drinking has not been a personal failure."

As I worked my way through the rest of the course, my whole way of thinking about addiction and recovery totally changed. I started to learn about trauma, and its origins, and looked at attachment theory, and family dynamics, and one of my favourites - transactional analysis, which really helped me understand the dynamics of relationships and interactions I’d had throughout my life. This enabled me to look at my past from a different perspective. My sense of self opened up into the world and I could see that my drinking has not been a personal failure. Just hearing the facilitators describe addiction as a “rational response to trauma” blew my mind, I’d never experienced this understanding of addiction. 

I also took part in the Feminism for Change course which made me aware of the systemic equality and harms of the patriarchy. I began to place some of my traumatic life experiences in the context of these, which helped me see I wasn't to blame for the things that had happened to me. I became much more aware of unjust and unequal systems in society and in the world. Learning about the history of feminist resistance gave me more confidence in using my own voice to fight for equality and stand up for myself.

After I graduated from the course, I went on to do lots of volunteering in the community, I started volunteering at a bookshop, and at a woodwork shop. I also began to explore London more, cycling around the city and  taking myself to galleries. I'd catch the bus to an area I’d never been before and walk around. The knowledge I had on the course was settling, and I felt safer within myself, I wasn't scared of relapsing anymore, I wasn't scared of people finding out about my addiction. I began to see the knowledge I’d gained on the course had given me freedom, freedom from the shame and stigma of addiction and freedom from the fear about needing to do recovery the way everyone else told me to do. I didn't feel guilty for not going to AA anymore, I’d developed enough confidence to know that didn't work for me.

"Learning about the history of feminist resistance gave me more confidence in using my own voice to fight for equality and stand up for myself."

A few years passed and then the world was in lockdown due to Covid-19. Foundation for Change were running seminars related to a podcast they'd started recording. I signed up to these seminars and attended weekly, it was so nice to see the team again and engage in topics I’d originally learnt on the course. It was a huge reminder how much I'd gained from the course. Not long after, I had a phonecall from Bob asking me to volunteer with FfC. 

I volunteered for a few months and then began to work full time. I took on social media and the office admin.Social media was particularly important to me. I wanted to communicate just how powerful the FfC approach was, not only for me, but for everyone I saw complete the courses. It felt important for people out there to know everything about the work we were doing at FfC. I got to witness people graduating from our courses and seeing how much they had gained and how much their confidence and awareness had grown.

Whilst working for FFC, I became more passionate about social inequality and injustice in my community, in London and in the world. I began to show up to local activist groups and spaces. I became a regular at protests in London. I was around so many people I could learn from, and this made me feel a lot more connected to my community. I realised I felt totally safe being around people that were not in recovery themselves but could identify systemic inequality and trauma as societal issues that affected all of us. 

A lot of the activist spaces I was in were full of people who had different views and approaches and once again I found myself drawing on the knowledge I'd learnt at FfC around core beliefs and authenticity.I wanted to show up to protests with a good idea of what I thought and not become someone that blindly agreed with everyone. I would apply my critical thinking skills about things I was learning and this really helped me stay true to myself. During difficult conversations I could use transactional analysis to enable me to have productive conversations instead of things becoming heated. I wanted to listen to everyone, whether I agreed with them or not. 

I also started to combine my love of creativity and art into craftivism, and set up my own craft stall with a friend to raise money for causes close to our hearts. Through this I got to meet so many talented people and worked with them to create beautiful pieces of art that highlighted injustice.

To me, going to a protest is a beautiful thing, to see people turn up and use their voices to demand justice. The community of people I've built around activism is so important to me and I feel so privileged to have such a diverse and wonderful group of people in my life.

"During difficult conversations I could use transactional analysis to enable me to have productive conversations instead of things becoming heated. I wanted to listen to everyone, whether I agreed with them or not."

My identity as an “addict” or someone in recovery has evolved so much. Although I see my experience of addiction as something significant in my life and my recovery is something I’m really proud of. I don't see myself as any different from people who have not experienced addiction. I can often relate to people who have experienced being “othered” or had to work hard to get themselves out of a difficult mindset or situation. I can comfortably tell people about my own personal experience of recovery and addiction, I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it, and I see it as something important to share to normalise it and take the stigma away, and the majority of the time, people are compassionate and interested about it.

Towards the end of my addiction, my body was really suffering, I had come close to death so many times. I was in and out of hospital and I felt so disconnected from my body. Alcohol was something I couldn't see my life without.I had many tries at getting and staying sober but it seemed so difficult, I had no way of understanding why I had been using alcohol except for I was weak and lacked willpower. Rehab and AA only offered me ways to stop, but not remain sober. There was no deeper work done that made me understand myself. I struggled to stay sober for more than a few weeks because I felt too confused and overwhelmed, I knew my alcohol consumption was killing me but I didn't understand why I couldn't stop drinking. I strongly believe if it hadn't been for Foundation for Change and my experience on the courses, I would have eventually drank again and died. The understanding I gained from the course without a doubt saved my life.

The course gave me a way of connecting myself to the world around me, it allowed me to become the person I always wanted to be. My world is bigger and wider than I ever imagined it would be. I go on adventure holidays on my own and kayak through lochs and camp on river banks and climb mountains. I meet lots of different people and I’m not shy and scared like I used to be, I can feel anxious and overwhelmed in new places but using my knowledge from the courses enables me to push past that and have the best time!

"The course gave me a way of connecting myself to the world around me, it allowed me to become the person I always wanted to be. My world is bigger and wider than I ever imagined it would be."

Without the course I would have remained an addict in recovery, scared of relapsing if I got it wrong. I don't see myself as an alcoholic in recovery, I’m just a person who gave up alcohol.

I've become fearless in the face of a beautiful life. I used my voice to shout about injustice, my art to create and connect to people, and my body to explore the world.

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